Your unwillingness to make small talk is nothing to be proud of and not helping your career
So, there’s this quote that people are always posting online. Another friend of mine posted it this morning. It goes:
- “Be present. Make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else’s bed. Have a smart mouth, and quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn’t make you happy. Grow.”
And whenever I see it, I’m like, OH SHUT UP. Stop telling me how to live. Especially stop telling me how to live through quotations. Also, why are people always hating on small talk?
It’s been a thing for as long as I can remember. I used to hate on small talk myself when I was younger, or at least pretend to. Because at some point, someone, somewhere came up with this idea that avoiding small talk and only engaging in big, deep, meaningful conversation is the hallmark of a superior moral, intellectual, and spiritual character.
That’s ridiculous. There is a lot of value in small talk – particularly when it comes to your career and networking. Here’s why:
First, not everyone wants to get into a deep discussion about the meaning of life, or hear about your anxieties and personal journeys. Dude, I’m not your therapist and I only came to this damn party because I felt obligated. Sometimes talking about the weather or complimenting someone on their shoes is perfectly appropriate.
Second, small talk is safe, and sometimes it’s just best to play it safe, such as in a professional networking setting. The evils of liberalism/conservativism/Catholicism/atheism: bad. The movies you’ve seen lately: good.
Third, and most important: small talk is a way of establishing a basic connection. In the 1999 paper, A Computational Model of Small Talk by Timothy Bickmore, a then MIT student (I think), Bickmore described small talk as “a valuable mechanism for managing the channel of communication and interpersonal distance.” He wrote: “One of the primary purposes of rapport-building in general is to establish that our interlocutor is, in some way, ‘just like us,’ that is, shares our basic values and beliefs, as well as sharing the ability to communicate.” You can’t just walk up to people and start assaulting them with your phenomenological take on Mad Max: Fury Road. (Well, unless you’re at a phenomenology conference.) Small talk helps you decide if big talk is going to follow with this person or not.
In other words: you can’t have big talk without making small talk first. And if you try, I guarantee that people will think you’re annoying at best and crazy at worst.
That being said, the ability to make small talk is a skill, and those who don’t possess that skill often find themselves at a disadvantage. The important thing to remember is that most people will welcome conversational overtures and are always happy for a chance to connect. An unwillingness to participate in these exchanges can be a barrier to your success.
Now, here are a few conversation openers you can use in any situation (to see a longer list, go here), plus one you should not use. Can you spot the odd one out? A quiz!
A) “What brings you here? Do you know the host of this party?”
B) “I love your jacket/tie/bracelet. Where did you get it?”
C) “I’m trying to remember who starred in “Witness for the Prosecution”/sang that song about the stars being yellow…can you help me out?”
D) “I just saw the new X-Men/Spiderman/Avengers related flick. Have you seen it?”
E) “The food here is great! Have you tried the sea urchin?”
F) “I had this dream last night that the pope, Marlon Brando, and the cat from Not Wanted on the Voyage were all in a bathtub together during an earthquake. What do you think it meant in the context of the fact that I have a strained relationship with my mother?”
Write your answer in the comments.